Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Breeders [1998]
Breeders [1998]
Digital Entertainment Ltd, DVD, 28 January, 2002
Director: Paul Matthews (II)
Actors: Todd Jensen, Samantha Janus
Features: PAL
List Price: £5.99
Used Price: £10.79
Third Party Price: £31.49
Availability: Limited availability
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Customer Reviews

Jawdroppingly, forehead-slappingly bad
This is the worst film I have ever seen.

I'm always wary of people telling me that films are "so bad, they're good". They tend to have seen them while in friendly company, mildly drunk, whatever, and in the cold light of day the recommended film turns out to be... well, pants.

I can however, confidently tag Breeders as "so bad, it's intriguing". We weren't exactly *entertained* as such. We were struck dumb by the sheer scale of incompetence displayed onscreen. It was definitely an... experience. Just the logo of the production company responsible caused howls of disbelieving laughter and once the film started it just got worse. I could fill a page ranting about how incompetent and incoherent a film this was, but I'll just pick one little item which will give you the general flavour of this production: there are sex scenes in this film that have been cut from soft-porn movies in which the performers have a vague resemblence to the film actors. You can even see the change in picture quality from film to video tape when they fade them in...

Aliens turn left at the Isle of Man
Of all the unlikely movies to appear from the British film industry an Isle of Man remake of 1985's Breeders is the last thing you would expect. Briefly the action is set in an all girls school with a alien crash landing and attempting to fertilize several girls, when a police swat team are called in predictable carnage ensues. Like many british horror movies of late Breeders is transatlantic in tone which means the mostly Brit cast adopt American accents and the isle of man stands in for Boston (hint if you want to pretend your film is set in Boston its not wise to thank the isle of man film commission in the opening credits). The accents aren't bad but its typifies Breeders main problem, it rarely strays from being a tried and tested hybrid of several other movies most obviously of course Alien, subsequently this is a competent little B movie but little else. If Breeders is distinguished from the pack its due to the influence of its American namesake itself chiefly remembered becauseof a risque mix of nudity and slimly aliens. The Isle of Man version doesn't skip in this department with schoolgirl showers and (having little to do with the proceedings) a bizarre coupling between two characters played by different actors than those who appear in the main film! Breeders 96 is also noticeably derriere obsessed, British Film Institute members should note the film has more ass than Bresson's Au Hasard Balthazar. But seriously, despite this raging hormone approach, the grim fact that one of the girls (Kadamba Simmons) was brutally murdered soon after the film's release and a "whatever happened to" appearance by Oliver (The Stud) Tobias in the sort of role that a decade earlier Cameron Mitchell or Edmund Purdom would have played to a tee, Breeders 96 is never spectacularly bad or surprisingly good enough to be of interest perhaps the worst fate to befall a film about a sex crazed alien.

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